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Humor of Gayle Erwin - Page 1


Jake, The Rancher

Author Unknown 

Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense.
As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart,
From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.
So Jake did what most of us do, if we'd have been there
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time, he knew he'd lost his luck,
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.
Now Jake had been around in life and done his share of roamin'
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it look just like Wyomin'.

Oh, there were some differences of course, but just some minor things,
One place had simply disappeared -- the town they called Rock Springs.
The BLM had been shut down, and there was no grazin' fees,
And the wind in Rawlins and Cheyenne was now a gentle breeze.

The Park and Forest Service folks -- they didn't fare so well,
They'd all been sent to fight some fire in a wilderness called Hell.
Though Heaven was a real nice place, Jake had a wondering mind,
So he saddled up and rode away, not know'n what he'd find.

Then one day up in Cody, on a cold fall afternoon,
He saw St. Peter coming, and he knew he'd be there soon.
Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter,
Now, this line, it ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter.

So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three,
Nobody was keepin' score -- in Heaven time is free.
"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "that God will answer prayers,
But one time I asked for help, well he just plain wasn't there.

Does God answer prayers of some, and ignores the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square -- I know all men are brothers.
Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season.

Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel,
And I was wonderin', could you tell -- what is Heaven’s deal?
Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!

That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a-flying,
You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying.
A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a while

And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota.



Calorie Chapel

Theological Underpinning of a New Denomination

  1. The Old Testament was filled with feasts
    A. They had at least one feast every month
    B. Three of those feasts lasted at least a week
    C. God set up the feast system
    D. God commanded that the feasts be filled with joy
  2. When Jesus Came He was accused of being a glutton
    A. That surely meant that he had a weight problem, since no one that you know of who was skinny was ever accused of being a glutton.
    B. Most of the gospel of John was written around a table.
    C. The family of Jesus (in Mark chapter 3) thought he had gone crazy because he was not eating his lunch.
  3. What did Jesus leave us to remember him by? Food! Bread and wine.
    3A. Jesus became angry only a few times. One time was when he was hungry and a fig tree, though well leaved, did not yield any fruit. It made him angry enough to kill the tree.
  4. After the Resurrection, every time you see Jesus, what is he doing? Eating!
    A. Right after he appeared to the scared Apostles hidden in a room and told them not to fear, he asked them if they had anything to eat. Luke 24:41 And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, "Do you have anything here to eat?" Luke 24:42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish, Luke 24:43 and he took it and ate it in their presence.
    B. The two men on the road to Emmaus did not even recognize Jesus until He sat down to eat. Then they said, "Now we know you."
  5. The Early Church had only a few constant habits--items that would readily identify them. Eating together was one of them. Acts 2:46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts,
  6. How is Heaven going to begin? A feast--the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.
  7. In Revelation 3:20 Jesus said, "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice I will come in to him and sup with him and he with me."
  8. We have already had a church split. There is now a group calling itself "Church on the Weigh."
  9. A heresy has also sprung up. Look out for it. It is called "Weight Watchers." We will call this new denomination "Calorie Chapel." CALORIE CHAPEL



Random Smiles

 

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the length.

Nostalgia isn’t what it use to be.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

I’m not the man I used to be and never was.





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